Womenly Mishaps Without Borders
by GregTH. The Eleventh Espada
Summary: They were so few women on Mother Base, yet somehow Snake manged to run into explicable situations with every single one of them, whether it be giving them the wrong idea and/or accidentally seeing them naked...
1. Cecile

"KAZ! DAMNIT! HOLD HER DOWN!" Snake roared as a pair of trousers was flung across the room

Kazuhira merely stood there, as if in a trance

"Kaz, move goddamnit!"

Stiff as a board...

A shipment of French Wine had hit the base not an hour earlier, it seemed more than kind to crack open a bottle with Cecile

She was always talking about the stuff anyway, going on like it was liquid gold, so Snake and Kaz invited down to the mess hall for a private drink session.

Regret formed not long after that

Cecile quickly got plastered, and she was a special kind of drunk

Not a violent drunk, not an overly friendly drunk, she was (in that very moment) the worst kind of drunk

The "Stripper" drunk

"SHOE!" Snake warned but the item was flung across the room, narrowly missing the still entrance Miller

"B-Boss...thank you" Kaz stuttered "Thank you so much for this...all of it"

"Damn it!" Snake growled as he was quickly discovering his CQC training did not apply to drunks "Kaz! I swear to god!"

"Shirt!" Cecile laughed as that garment went across the room, leaving her solely in her underwear (and a single boot)

Snake, now faced with no choice, went to slam her down, it was the only way to stop her at this point

Muttering a quick apology, he grabbed Cecile's shoulders and threw her down to the ground Which she somehow turned into a backflip

"What the-!" Snake shouted

"Impressive..." Miller mumbled

"BRA!"

"NO!" Snake cried but his one good eye was now covered by the white garment By the time he threw it off, Cecile had whooshed passed his blind spot

"UNDERWEAR!"

Oh god...

He turned his head quickly to catch two things Kaz with the biggest shit eating grin he'd ever seen on his face, with Cecile's underwear balancing on his shoulder

And the bare ass of the French girl running out the mess hall door

"Damn it Kaz! Come on, we need to get her before she humiliates herself any more!" Snake yelled at his comrade before he ran out Kaz soon joined after muttering a small thank you to God.


	2. Dr Strangelove

"Damn it! You can't do this!"

"I don't see any reason why I shouldn't" Came the snooty English accent

"It's indecent!"

"MSF is an army with a nation, people not separated by race, nationality, age, I don't see why gender and image is an issue"

"Because it's indecent! I just told you!"Snake yelled

"Such dribble"

Snake rubbed his bandana covered forehead as he futilely tried to get through to her Dr. Strangelove, the most recent member of MSF

Who he had found that morning

On the Deck

Sunbathing

Nude

"Just cover yourself up before anyone see's you" Snake grumbled

"I don't see why I should" She droned, dipping her sunglasses, the closest thing she had to clothing at the moment "I have no qualms about my body, and besides, you've already seen me, haven't you?"

"Just...shut up" Snake grumbled as he tried his best to avert his eyes "What if Chico or Paz see's you?"

"They're growing children, maybe it'll teach them not to be ashamed of their bodies"

"For gods sake!"

"Oh relax! I'm not going to let them join me or anything...well...not Chico anyway"

"Leave Paz alone! She's a teenager for god sake!" Snake shouted at her, unknowingly gandering at her figure

"What a hypocrite" She sighed as she noticed his one good eye taking in every detail "Do you like what you see?"

"No!" He said as he moved his gaze

"It's fine if you want to watch" She smirked, putting her sunglasses back into place and lying back in her lounge chair "Just no touching"

"I don't want to watch you! I'm not some voyeur...or Kaz" He growled, unwillingly getting entranced by the woman's body yet again

"Suit yourself" she sighed as she put her arms behind her head

"Just go put some clothes on" He grumbled once again "A bikini...your underwear...just...something"

"Is my body truly that repulsive?" She questioned "Why should I hide what I was given?"

"What are you even doing anyway? It's still dusk! It's freezing!" He cried as he pointed to the orange sky

"The sun will rise soon" She sighed "Besides, the cool wind against one's naked body is a...pleasurable experience, perhaps you should try it...far way from me though"

"Not interested" Snake grumbled

"What is your deal, can't you just let a woman enjoy a little sun?" Strangelove sighed as she propped herself up on her elbows "Why are you so concerned? You said it yourself, it's dusk, no one is even awake to see me...what are you doing up for that matter? If I didn't know any better, I'd say you woke up this early, HOPING to stumble onto a situation like this"

"I always wake up this early! I just decided to take a walk today and see this sunrise and instead I find...this!"

"Well then it must be fate, I never get up this early but since I couldn't sleep well, I figured I'd try something new" Strangelove smirked "But it seems my enjoyment has been ruined before it could even start"

"What if Huey or Kaz see you? You want that?"

"The fool can gaze all day, it does not bother me" She sighed "And the good doctor will probably thrive at the chance to see me like this"

"Huey will have a freaking heart attack!" Snake roared, AGAIN unwillingly appreciating her nude figure "I'll drag you back to your room if I have to!"

"Ah yes, I'm sure your precious armada will respect you even more after seeing you dragging an unwilling, naked woman back to an empty room"

"Just. get. dressed"

...

With one final sigh, she rose from the lounge chair

"Fine" she shrugged "If it's that important to you, I'll put on a bikini"

"Thank you" He mumbled as he watched nude woman began to retreat

"And one more thing" She said as she turned her head back to him "No looking at my arse as I leave"

Snake clearly violated that deal as he never took his eye off the petite behind until it was out of sight

"Huey would actually have a freaking heart attack" he sighed as he decided he wouldn't tell a soul what happened

* * *

The next day, Snake had decided to make his pre-dawn walk a tradition

Wandering around the deck until he reached the spot where he had the incident with Strangelove yesterday

Where he stumbled upon the exact same situation

"What did I tell you!" He roared at her

"What?" She shrugged as she lifted a leg into the air "I'm not naked, look, I'm wearing boots"


	3. Amanda

"Emmm...Snake?"

"What's up Chico?" Snake asked his young comrade

"Can I ask you about something?"

"Sure, is it about Paz again?" He asked, wondering if he had come to him for a advice on his crush

"Actually...it's about Amanda"

"Amanda?" Snake repeated, surprised

"I...I...It's...a bit weird but..."

"Come on, spit it out" Snake comforted the boy "You can talk to me"

"I...caught her doing something...strange"

And as if by some pervy magic, Miller appeared in the room

"What do you mean by strange, Chico?" The blond man asked

"Kaz? When did you get-"

"We got into a fight, she walked off but I followed her to her room, I was going to yell at her some more but she locked the door..."

"Go on..." Kaz pushed, much to growing worry of Snake

"I looked into the keyhole and saw her reach into her drawer...she pulled out this big purple thing"

Miller let out a mental "Jackpot!" in his head while Snake's reaction grew to one of worry

"And then she started changing her clothes!" Chico cried "And then I-"

"And then what?!" Kaz cried as he grabbed the boys shoulder "You recorded it? Even an audio recording is fine! Attaboy Chico!"

"Kaz!" Snake yelled as he threw him off the boy

"Wha-What? No!" Chico exclaimed as he waved his hand "I ran off!"

"You Wha-AWW DAMN IT KID, YOU BLEW IT!"

"KAZ!" Snake roared "It's his sister for gods sake! Of course he's not going to watch!"

"W-What are you talking about?" Chico asked "You knew what Amanda was up to?"

"Well..." Snake began

"Yes we do Chico!" Kaz gleefully exclaimed "It's a beautiful thing called Masturb-"

"KAZ!" Snake roared as he grabbed Miller by the collar

"Mass-terb? What is that?" Chico asked

"No, Chico, Masturbat-"

"I swear to god, Kaz!"

"What is it? What was she doing?" Chico asked innocently "Tell me...please"

"Well Chico-" Kaz began "I will throw you into the ocean!" Snake growled

"Snake...tell me...please" Chico seemed to plead

"Yeah, Snake. Tell him" Kaz grinned

"You shut up..." Snake grumbled as he released him and turned to Chico "You sure you want to know...?"

"Yes...tell me" Chico nodded

"Well..." Snake began as he knelt down to Chico's level "When a woman...feels lonely...she-

* * *

"AHHHHHH!" Chico screamed as he ran out the hall

Dashing right passed Amanda

"Do I want to know?" She sighed

...

"What's with the silent act?" She scoffed

"He...umm..." Snake began

"He what?" Amanda asked as she crossed her arms

"~He saw you~" Kaz sang

"Kaz..." Snake grumbled for what seemed the fiftieth time

"Saw me what?" She raised an eyebrow

"He...saw you...doing...'that'..." Snake slowly told her

"Are you going to tell me what...'that' is?" She asked, adding finger quotes

"After you two fought, he followed you back. You locked the door, he looked through the keyhole and he saw you...pull that thing out of your drawer"

"What thing?"

"~The BIG purple thing!~" Kaz sung once again

"My dumbbell?"

...

"Hmm?" Kaz inquired

"My dumbbell, it's large and purple" She shrugged

"He...also said you were starting to change?"

"Into my workout clothes, have you looked at me?" Amanda noted as she pointed out she was wearing a different attire than usual

"Ohh..."

"Uh oh" Snake gulped

"What?" Amanda shrugged once again "What did you tell him I was doing?"

...

"You're going to laugh at this" Kaz nervously chuckled "We told him you-"

Approximately nine seconds later, several chairs and tables were launched at the two fleeing men


	4. Paz

They all knew it was going to happen someday

It was a huge base located in the middle of the ocean, It was obvious that somehow, someday, someone was going to fall off

Of course, no one expected that person to be Paz

Snake was nearby when he heard Chico's cry, he ran over and quickly assessed the situation

He had been fishing, Paz came over and must have tripped over the bait or slipped on a wet spot and gone tumbling over the railing

Seeing a small spot of golden hair struggling in the strong current below, not seeing a life ring nearby and seeing that Chico was just a few seconds from diving in himself, the legendary soldier dived in headfirst to the cold water below

Upon seeing their boss dive over the edge, many soldiers came to the railing to witness the situation

Snake landed into the strong current and took a few second to resurface, he quickly locked onto the golden haired girl who was struggling in the current

Calling out her name, he rapidly swam towards her, she called out his name too as the waves came crashing down on them both

They struggled to fight the water, the strong waves knocked off a holstered pistol from Snake as well as the survival knife he always kept on him

Nevertheless, he fought against the waves, catching the golden haired schoolgirl, moments before she was almost washed away again, prompting a series of cheers from the soldiers above

He held on to her tight as he swam over to the bottom of one base Where they made a quick discovery

Whereas the current had robbed Snake of a pistol and knife, it had robbed Paz of her skirt and underwear

The two clambered up on a small ledge of one base, Snake turned around to ask if she was alright

Unintentionally getting an eyeful of golden curls

But not on her head...

The girl wasn't as quick to notice as snake, it was only when she felt a cool breeze did she look down And let out a mortified scream

Snake quickly pulled a 180 turn as the girl quickly covered herself up

"S-Sorry...I didn't see anything" He lied

A reply didn't come for the next four seconds

"It is okay...I am fine now"

Peeking his one good eye, He witnessed that Paz had used her blouse to form a makeshift skirt

The girl let out a small smile an nodded

"We should head back up" Snake began "They-"

"AHHHHHHH!"

"Was that...Dr. Emmerich?" Paz asked

And somehow, Snake just knew

"Damn it Strangelove! We talked about this! Wear clothes when you sunbathe!" He roared to the sky

"I am!" Came a reply "I'm wearing boots!"


End file.
